exhale.

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“it’s okay to not be okay.” – exhale by plumb

i first heard this song as it blasted through my headphones on one of my “forced” long runs. yes, forced. there was time i would run every day, whenever i had the time.

that season has come & possibly gone.

with the addition of a night job to my life schedule (circa october 2014) & the addition of the love of my life (circa december 2014), my free time alone time has dramatically decreased.

this is no ones fault. it’s a season. we hear the “season” talk every other day it seems. i like to say “it’s just a season” or “this season will pass” or “thank the good lord above that THAT season is locked in the pretend-it-never-happened-closet.”

so i’m in a season of overdrive. this is not the season where i flourish – but rather – i just barely make it. i go from thing to thing, day to day, & just do.

& just for the record – – i’m not a do-er. i’m a feel-er. i like to FEEL. i like to be “all-in” with everything i do – but during this season – i’m just getting things done. the faster i can get to the place of netflix & couch & ice cream & sleep, the better.

yuck.

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so during that long run – i heard this beautiful song whispering in my ear to “exhale.”

“don’t be afraid. don’t be ashamed.”

i needed to hear that. i feel like that’s the kinda daily reminder that is kinda obvious. it does no harm to hear that kinda thing on repeat, right?

right.

but seriously – i did feel afraid. i felt afraid that i was failing. as an employee, as a friend, as a daughter, as a sister, as a girlfriend. as a human. the fear of failure can cripple the kinda girl who loves attention & loves affirmation & loves feeling accomplished.

i’m that kinda girl. can i get an amen?

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& then there’s the “don’t be ashamed.” that easy peasy reminder that “you are a daughter of the King – what in the world do YOU have to be ashamed of?!”

well – here’s the real conversation happening in my head: how can you NOT feel ashamed? you’re doing nothing. you’re just do-ing. that’s shameful, right?

no. of course not.

but i was believing the lie.

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up until the point where i spilled my guts to the lord.

i said: i hated this season. he said – treasure it.

i said: but remember last year? remember how happy & how successful & how accomplished i felt?

he said – treasure today.

i said: but bring me back to where i was.

he said – treasure Me.

i said: lord, you just don’t get it.

he said – treasure yourself.

it was hard. it’s still hard.

i caught myself remembering & longing for what was instead of focusing on the blessing of now.

each season has its winds, its waves, its growth & its death. each season deserves pruning & planting & patience.

if you’re struggling in a season that you just wish would pass, i’m with ya. but let’s focus on the treasure. has there ever been a season God hasn’t been aware? does he not use every season to bring his name glory? does each season not bring change & new beauty?

i pray that we exhale – we remember – & we treasure.

but let’s not leave it at that. let’s continue to be honest. bc “it’s okay to not be okay.” & my season of “not okay” might be at a different time then your “not okay” season. we don’t have to pretend. we can support each other & break-free from the “everything is okay.” we can scream “it sucks” bc that’s what heals.

let’s love this conversation & this reality enough that we don’t just leave it. let’s for real treasure it, together.

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8 thoughts on “exhale.

  1. Alicia, that was so emotional and it hit hard to my own reality. I love you girl for everything you are and the wonderful woman you are today.
    Mom

  2. Alicia, can I just say thank you! My entire life has been a season of seasons! I have to admit I never admit that I’m not ok. I often think smiling is the biggest lie! So thank you for making it ok to not be ok! And yes you get an AMEN! Love yau and all the beauty you have brought to many hearts and minds, especially mine!

  3. Alicia, can I just say thank you! and yes you get an AMEN! Love you and all of the beauty that you bring into the hearts and minds of so many! Especially mine!

  4. simply beautiful! He gives us these seasons to plant seeds al g the path He has ordained for us, and to teach us to lean in and make time for Him daily. You are amazing and thank you for sharing vulnerably…because you do, others can live authentically too!

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