grief

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for a few weeks now, i’ve had a hard time spending time with God. not proud of it, but it’s the truth. yesterday, i decided to lay down my pain, my anger, my confusion to the side & turn to God. it was honest & real & surprisingly, healing. but I realized putting those feelings to the side is not what He wanted though. He wants to hear those things. He understands those feelings. God is the same yesterday, today & tomorrow. He’s unchanging & He can take whatever I throw at Him. He’s God.

 

Isaiah 55:9:

As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are My ways higher than your ways & My thoughts than your thoughts.

lately

lately, i’ve been in the winter funk and ain’t nobody gonna change that. i’ve been trying though – really trying to be grateful through this season. it happens every year, so i really shouldn’t surprised. my husband? well, he’s learning. i keep telling him: “you married me. all of me. even this season of me.”

he’s so sweet and reminds me that “yes, he did marry me.”

this kinda stuff just doesn’t phase him.

god knew i need a man unfazed by my craziness. ha. that made me laugh. bc it’s so true.

here are some pictures from last weekend. not sure the reputation maryland has throughout the country (or even the world!) but we are basically a four-season kinda state with water & woods everywhere you turn. i love it here. it’s so dang beautiful. enjoy!

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how to hike

first, make sure your husband is extremely sick.

second, make sure it’s a ridiculously famous holiday where most people DONT do things like hike.

third, bring your new camera and pretend like you’re really good at film making.

fourth, get your shoes SOAKED and walk back to the car, making sure it’s at least 2 miles.

fifth, smile. smile that you get to enjoy the crazy weird moments with the love of your life.

PRESS PLAY BELOW. It’s vlog time!

blizzard jonas

grant & i have spent 54 consecutive hours together (friday @12:30pm to sunday @6pm) & we are still going strong! we have watched plenty of netflix, i’ve learned a few games (sequence & speed) & crushed grant at both. we’ve baked cookies, made homemade pizza, homemade pesto, homemade alfredo, boiled rice, boiled pasta, baked potato chips, done hours of homework (grant), danced in the living room, spent morning devotionals together, watched tons of youtube, prayed for the power to stay on, laughed with delirium, went tubing down our front yard into the woods, went for a walk to the beach, almost fell into the icy bay (alicia). it’s been a memorable blizzard. i’m thankful we didn’t lose power & went kept morale high at camp cardwell. please enjoy our blizzard tubing fun from today. xo

 

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our wedding video!

holy smokes & happy new year!

let’s just cut to the chase – OUR WEDDING VIDEO IS DONE!!!

this is the perfect day. god is so so good to us. please enjoy just a glimpse of all the ways He showed up on our wedding day.

thank you to our amazing videographer Rebekah Larson for your vision & your talent. you have forever captured our perfect day. ‪#‎cardweds‬ ‪#‎yearonecardwells‬

PRESS PLAY

the perfect wife

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“there is literally nothing in nature that blooms all year long, so do not expect yourself to do so.”

 

the other day i was talking to grant about my fear of failing as a wife & how overwhelmed i was at the thought.

i used to have the messiest bedroom growing up; for days – weeks – & my mom would tolerate it. i’m sure she would chat about my messy room with her gal pals at work, & when she would get home, i would have to finally clean my room before i could do anything else. & of course, another couple of weeks would go by & the bedroom would be a wreck again – & thus the same cycle goes round. how exhausting. for us both. my mom – just wanting order – & for the respect of keeping a clean bedroom – & me – who works much better in a messier environment – my thoughts are scattered like my clothes – finding comfort in the chaos – only wanting to take a nap on my pile of clothes. & yet not a day went by that my mom loved me any less because of my many flaws – weaknesses. if anything, she loved me more.

i look at my habits now – & the vulnerability that has suddenly become a requirement in our newlywed household. i’m still messy – i’m still scattered. & now my husband is my audience to this well-known show. my parents & brother were my audience for 18 years & now the audience has shifted. to my one & only. my husband.

it’s hard. they said it would be hard. & they were right. now, grant & i don’t struggle with sharing our space – that’s no problem. it’s vulnerability that i struggle with. but it has nothing to do with grant. that’s the beautiful part. he has created a safe, trusting environment where i can be myself, where i can relax, where i can be comfortable – as a husband should. i struggle with allowing myself the right to truly soak in the freedom. trusting that grant isn’t going anywhere. he isn’t going to suddenly notice a habit or see the messy room & leave me. am i the only one who has feared this?

i can’t be. i know i’m not the only one.

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this is the same vulnerability that i have been steadily working on with god for years. for him to see & know me in ways i’ve never allowed anyone to see. to know & S T I L L. still be my God. still pursue me. still love me. still.

i guess what i’m getting at is that during this learning – i may not bloom like i expect. i want to bloom, y’all. i want to immediately have a wife routine, a chore chart, a grocery list, a budget. i want it all – all at once. i want to be the perfect wife.

yikes. i said it. i’ll let those words soak in for a few days. weeks. it’s real & i shouldn’t just sweep it under the rug. i’ve never been the perfect daughter, sister, friend . . . and yet now i want to be perfect at being a wife. i pray this will pass. that i will feel the freedom & the trust of letting go – learning through the mess. maybe even pick up some of the mess along the way.

i’m so thankful for grant – he lets me vent these thoughts and frustrations with open ears – – i love his support for the girl who seems to always be surrounded by a mess. he sees through it all. it doesn’t scare him off – and that is one of the many reasons i fall in love even more each & every day.

it’s ok that right now i’m not in a season of blooming. i will continue to plant & sow into our marriage – into this new role – and see beautiful blooms in their timing.

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thanks for reading.

remember: “there is literally nothing in nature that blooms all year long, so do not expect yourself to do so.”

last glance: christmas 2015

we packed up all the decor today. the christmas decor that is. it’s funny because we willingly decorated this year-  but with everything packed up & out of sight, it feels like i got my house back. it’s back to it’s natural state.

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yesterday it was 70 degrees. it was like a summer day. AND. AND THE SUN CAME OUT. i haven’t seen the sun it what feels like a week & for my undiagnosed seasonal depression – that’s no good. no good i tell you. we spent the morning at church – it was inspiring & the perfect way to end the year.

we weren’t able to join the annual christmas family gathering at my grandparent’s on saturday because i had work (& honestly grant was too sick to do anything) so we made plans to visit my grandparents on sunday. we spent the afternoon catching up & laughing (totally forgot to take pictures. grr.)

then it was off to the next family gathering at my dad’s house. we picked up my other grandmom & headed south. i usually go to my dad’s christmas day but we decided to wait until the whole family could visit & join them.

the gang was all there. plus four dogs.

i’m so grateful for my family. after all they’ve done for us, they continue to do more. christmas was beautifully unexpected & relaxed & one that i will forever remember.

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