bird poop

so i noticed this morning my car is victim to much a bird poop. gross i know.

but that means that spring is here, y’all.

yesterday was the first true warm day in a while and it felt amazing.

birds invaded the front yard. we leaf blowed the front yard on sunday, unveiling a yard full of untouched goodness. birds spent the day picking and flying; flying and picking — new life, new breath.

i’m doing better – i’m thankful for grief and sorrow. i’m thankful this is not our home. i’m thankful for community. for true community. not just holidays with presents and food, but community – where you have the same outlook on life, the same beliefs, you understand each other and you love each other through the mess.

and it is messy. life is one big pile of mess. sin. are we surprised? is this another flaw of us? that we truly believe life should be without mess? did we think we’d live this life unscathed? no. and i’m thankful i’m learning this at 28 years old. because i know some of you have felt unbearable pain before you were 16 years old, before you were 10 years old. some of you stay in a constant state of pain.

but there is hope. and you need only accept the hope. let it soak into your heart. believe in something bigger than you. it’s scary at first, but what do you have to lose? honestly? is life going your way with YOU in control? like, have you honestly figured it all out?

no. don’t kid yourself.

so why did i wake up this morning at start this blog post? because i like looking back at my honest thoughts. it’s humbling to be real with strangers on the internet, sure. but it’s more about the freedom i feel when i’m honest with myself.

the sunrise was a painting this morning. heaven and earth met with strokes of cloud beauty. this week i will focus on beyond this life. i will feel each and every moment with an eternal perspective. xo thanks for reading.

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recently on the vlog//

i’ve been catching up on the may vlogs this past week. enjoy!

{press play} my 28th birthday!!

 

{press play} grant the male nanny!!

 

{press play} pitch perfect 2!! plus more dates!!

 

subscribe to my channel: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCfbx921OsJbeEHJpjbLSt9w

 

xo

change hurts.

things. things. thangssss.

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we all know change hurts. i mean, that’s obvious.

that’s the kinda thing people always say when change is about to happen,

“well, it hurts, but over time, it’ll get better. blahblahblahhhh.”

although it’s super true – change hurts; time heals – i’ve noticed that time really isn’t what does the healing.

bc guess whattttt. as time passes, we pick up other habits, other distractions, other junk to capture our attention from the pain. you know what i’m saying?

time does pass – that’s inevitable. but healing doesn’t necessarily happen. usually bandaids cover up wounds & people see a huge dora face on your hand & they kinda forget there is an open wound under that dora face. but you haven’t forgotten. nope. you know exactly what’s under that bandaid.

dorai google-imaged this so you could follow my analogy . . .

about three years ago, i was sitting up in church – trying to heal from one of those large wounds to the heart- & up pops this video:

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take ten minutes to watch this. seriously. do it.

crying isn’t the best word to describe what happened next. i would call it sobbing. yes. sobbing.

something about hearing that god wants to remove that junk from my life – & that it’s supposed to hurt – was all too much. overwhelming.

i still get emotional when i watch the chisel skit video. it brings back those fresh memories of a season that i’m so thankful is over, but it also makes me smile bc healing happened.

but that’s the thing with seasons, right? one passes & just as quickly as you can say “see ya!” the next season comes running from behind & almost knocks you over. or maybe it’s more of a shy season . . . it creeps up on you & you don’t even realize you’re in the season & have been for about a month. seasons have a way about them.

——

do you know what insanity is?

insanity is doing the same thing over & over & over again, expecting different results.

& there are things in your life – you even think back to high school – that you’ve been doing that do not work in your life . . .

but you go to these empty wells,

whenever you’re hurting,

whenever you’re angry,

whenever you’re lonely & tired,

but they  d o  n o t  w o r k.

——–

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hope.

i sit here tonight & remember that hurt; that anger; that loneliness; that tiredness. i remember all my empty wells. some days it was easy to practically sprint to those wells; other days i could barely manage an army-crawl, dying to get a drink. something, anything, to quench my thirst.

i still crawl to empty wells.

the difference now is that i know a l l  t o o  w e l l  that they are EMPTY.

& i know where there are rivers, streams, OCEANS full of quenchable water – – beautiful, sweet release. relief.

i must say, though, it’s still hard to run to that place, the thing, the person who will make it all better – – even when i’ve experienced the dry, empty wells of life.

we are human. we are insane. ok, ok, maybe i’ll just speak for myself.

i can be insane sometimes. i’ll do the same thing over & over & over again, expecting different results.

the season of pruning & chiseling is one of the hardest, most beautifully freeing times a person can go through. i could talk about it for hours. i could talk for hourssss about all the things god chiseled outta my life. ugh. hours.

like the video above shows- chiseling, to make something beautiful & better, is going to hurt. you can’t take a hammer to something & not expect a painful process. journey.

but the encouraging thing to remember: change is best made when the pain of staying the same hurts more than the pain of changing.

& that, my friends, is what motivates me.
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so i’m in a new season. it has its challenges. & god will have to do some chiseling & i’ll have to let him.

i love that about god. he’s never done. never. he didn’t just create & give up. he’s constantly wanting to make his creation better. ugh. i could also talk about this for hours.

i’ll leave you with this:

we are all trying to better ourselves. whether we are successful with it or not, the truth remains.

if you look at anyone’s pinterest boards – you’ll see people just wanting to enjoy this life, improve an already awesome person & make a ridiculous amount of vegetarian/vegan dishes (we all like the idea, let’s be real . . . )

embrace yourself – be honest – & let god chisel. it’s gonna hurt, but you know it’s gonna be good. he created you & he knows what’s best.

let go baby

tearing down walls.

one week into home-owning & i’ve got sore arms & a cough from inhaling drywall dust.

but, i also have three walls down!

if i’m going to hammer a wall for hours on end – i’m going to put some purpose behind the destruction.

admittedly, i have lots of junk in my heart that i don’t necessarily struggle with daily – but it does take up space in my heart & my mind.

recently, my girlfriends & i have thrown around ideas to release some of our stress/anger/sadness. holly came up with the idea of throwing eggs at trees in the woods, which i immediately pictured skunks & racoons attacking us. that idea was shot down quickly.

i knew my living room wall had to go – annddd i had already written on it (whoops)

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so, why not write down all the things we want to give up to God; all the things we are tired of dealing with; all the things that are holding us back from living a full life . . . & then smash the crap out of it!

i called in the experts. also known as my frans.

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at first, it was hard to think of things to write. you start debating if you really want to give that up, or questioning – “is that really even that bad?”

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but soon, we were on a roll. a sharpie-writing-on-the-wall roll!

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those are some STRONG women. i tell you what. twenty-something years of life brings a bunch of pain/heartache/happiness/joy. it’s a roller coaster.

when we had finally marked all the white space with black words, we sat down & each read a section of the wall out loud. whoa.

that was hard. we’ve each known each for different amounts of time & we would claim to be really good friends.

what i learned from this night was that your past doesn’t define you. you don’t need to know all the details of someone’s life to love them & be a good friend to them. at the same time, it was eye-opening to see how powerful Christ is. He’s brought all of us out so much junk & into His beautiful grace; His free grace.

then came the fun part. it was loud. it was exciting. it was hard. but the end result was beautiful.

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i encourage free therapy, like bashing walls, to everyone i know – to everyone reading this.

problems didn’t magically fade away that night. that wasn’t the point. it was to show the power of Christ – His beautiful design of relationship & friendship & freedom & new beginnings.

we are in this together.

“greater love has no one than this, that He lay down His life for His friends.” John 15:13